Brunches & Dragons

Bundle of "Joy" Pt. 3: How My Ex-Best Friend Stabbed Me In The Back (of the leg)

Ever since I stabbed that gypsy in the face, things have been rough, although it looks like my luck is finally turning around.

Sable got cursed into deciding he wanted to be a father, and has been dragging this awful screaming crying demon baby around everywhere. Our paladin got really mad that I Stood My Ground against those heinous gypsies (one of them fired a crossbow bolt at me!) and ditched us, muttering something about needing warrants to search gypsy dens, something called “due process”, and a bunch of other weird nonsense. The Dragon Dude and the half-Orc just disappeared from the inn in the dead of night; I’ve drawn my own conclusions about where they went and am working on a song about it as we speak.

Since then, it’s just been non-stop awfulness. The demon baby? Still awful. The swamp? Awful. My arch-nemesis, Old Auntie? SUPER awful. Swamp trees? Awful. Bugs? Awful. Houses with chicken feet? That thing was actually kind of cool, but it ended up being awful. The Thieves Guild and the three Jacks? Jury’s out on them, but I suspect they’ll be awful in the future.

As we’re packing up and getting ready to head out, this 8 year old boy shows up and claims he hears voices in his head and was sent to help us.

PATENTLY ABSURD, right? I was ready to throw him out on his ass, but Sable decided that he should come along as a type of roadie. After mulling it over, I realized that free labor might not be the worst thing in the world, so after loading him up with all the set pieces and costumes, we let him tag along.

We found ourselves outside the Mantressor Manor with “credentials.” The group wanted to get inside so they could talk to this stupid baby’s mom. I was pretty indifferent to the whole thing, but Sable’s been a real ass ever since this baby showed up. I got the sense the group would be mad if I ditched the baby in a dumpster, so I’m went along with this weird plan because I would have done anything to not have to deal with this nightmare baby.

The entire plan seemed unnecessary, since Sable and I have already made quite the name for ourselves around town, what with being the best musicians in the region, but it was a roundabout way to get to perform for some potential patrons, so I didn’t want to complain too much. The plan was for Sable and I to dazzle the Mantressors with the world premiere of the four act play I’ve been working on, “The Curse of the Swamp Witch,” while the rest of the group found this demon baby’s mother and got rid of it. Also, the Thieves Guild was supposed to get inside too, but I assumed that the

As you might expect, MY part of the plan went flawlessly. I put on the performance of a lifetime. The Mantressors were in tears; so deeply moved by my acting that they hired me on full time, which I’ll get to in a bit.

The rest of the group, not so much. I don’t really know exactly what happened, because I was so swept up in acting, but here’s what I gathered later at the tavern, before I was stabbed in the leg (again, more on that later). Solange and Beyonce spend most of their time rolling around in the privy (??!), but Solange managed to cover herself in poop in just the right way to set off an exciting new fashion trend. I really don’t understand noble life.

Sable and the eight year old ran around the house for a while and I guess at one point destroyed a really expensive chandelier. I managed to convince the Mantressors later that someone else must have done it, but, geez, that was really unnecessary.

At some point, after making an insane amount of noise and threatening to derail my performance multiple times, (which failed, of course, because I’m such a professional) they found this demon baby’s mother and her cursed “marital aid,” and booked it out of the manor.

In the meantime, after leaving the Mantressors an emotional wreck from the weight of my acting, and helping them avoid the complete mess the rest of my companions left the manor in, I was hired on full-time as their court musician/performer. So long suckers — I’m in the money now.

I went back to the tavern to brag to everyone about my new job and to collect Sable, my former best friend, since we didn’t need to be adventuring anymore since we have it made, only to find that the demon baby was actually a demon spider baby.

So this demon spider baby is crawling all over the ceiling and being really gross and unpleasant, so we’re naturally trying to get it down and stomp on it and hopefully throw it into the fire also, and then Sable STABS ME IN THE LEG. Out of nowhere.

That dick.

Realizing he valued that horrific spider baby over our friendship, I realized what a bad and terrible person Sable actually was, and on the spot decided to cut him out of my life. To really rub in his face what a mistake he made, I used the power of my mesmerizing voice to force him to kill the spider baby he loved so much, which hopefully will result in years of psychological torment and therapy. I’d feel bad, but I’m sure it won’t be anywhere near as painful as being STABBED IN THE LEG.

Dick.

With the spider baby dead, I threw up my middle finger and limped out of that disgusting tavern to my new, mildly destroyed but still way fancy, mansion home. Lady Mantressor definitely has a thing for me, which I intend to take full advantage of, and the advance they gave me on this month’s performance is already more gold than I ever made as a baker, adventurer, or inn musician. I’ve got it made here, and I’m going to ride this out as long as I can.

Solange and Beyonce are pretty cool, so I hope they come visit me after I get settled in here, but the rest of them can shove it. Especially Sable.

That dick.

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Ryrok Aerox

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